Et Je T'Aime Encore
by Marielyfan
Summary: "Always. 'Till death do us part, and for the time of our lives"... And when death does do them part… What's supposed to go next? Especially since this time, Beckett can't afford going down the rabbit whole, because this time, she's not alone. Will this beacon of hope be enough to keep her together? *Character Death*
1. Linchpins

**Et Je T'Aime Encore** (French for 'And I Still Love You)

Life has never been exactly easy for Katherine Houghton Beckett, but she's always made it through - albeit sometimes barely. Suddenly, a tragic accident takes one of the only blessings in her life, and this time, she can't afford going down the rabbit hole, because this time, she's not alone. Will this beacon of hope be enough to keep her together? Or enough is enough?

**AN: In this AU post Veritas, Castle and Beckett are married, but something makes her world come tumbling down once again. This story was partially inspired by the wicked awesomeness that is Kate Christie's story "The Wort Of Words" and by the song Et Je T'Aime Encore by Céline Dion.**

**Not necessarily a new plot, but I hope you enjoy my take on it.**

* * *

**Linchpins**

_"I've just been thinking about our linchpins. You know, those moments in life that change everything."_

_"Like what?"_

_"I don't know. Like meeting you, for instance, you know. I mean, do you ever think about how our lives would be different if we never met?"_

_"Well, given how many times I've saved your life, you'd probably be dead"_

_"I don't know, I find it funny how every decision that we make, every seemingly random occurrence just has the possibility to change everything. You know, like getting into a particular college, or… a chance meeting with the guy or the girl of your dreams."_

_"Losing a loved one"_

_"Yeah. One moment and everything changes."_

_-Kate Beckett and Rick Castle "Our Linchpins", Castle S4 deleted scene._

* * *

Kate is sitting on the edge of the bathtub, incapable of registering the information her eyes are giving her.

She's looking at a small piece of plastic that she's holding in her hand that's telling her life has changed forever.

* * *

**_That morning..._**

_The morning light filters through the curtains, lighting Castle's peaceful features. Beckett's lying on her back looking at him. She's contemplating how lucky she is to be with a guy like that – intelligent, caring and funny – when her stomach starts turning._

_She tries to breathe through it until it becomes too much. The detective jumps out of bed and darts towards the bathroom. She barely makes it to the toilet before dropping to her knees and emptying her stomach._

_"Kate?" she hears Castle's worried voice from the door. He kneels by her side and starts rubbing soothing circles on her back._

_When the heaving has subsided, she takes a few breaths, sits on the cold tile floor and lets her head fall back. She's not used to feeling like this._

_Castle sits silently by her side, his hand never leaving her back. "You okay?" he asks softly._

_She looks as pale as a ghost, and he's worried out of his mind. She never gets sick._

_After her stomach finally settles, Beckett sighs. "Yeah" she nods. "Must've been something I ate" she says for his benefit, but in the back of her mind she knows it's probably something entirely different._

_Beckett starts getting up and Castle jumps to his feet to help her up. "You sure?"_

_"Yeah" she turns to the sink where she washes the bitter taste off her mouth. She then takes a few tentative steps and after making sure the room's not spinning around her anymore, she makes her way to the bedroom with Castle hot on her heels._

_As Beckett gets some clothes to change into, the writer rushes outside the bedroom without a word. He's back a few moments later holding a glass of water and a pack of crackers._

_She turns around just as she's clasping her bra and he hands her the glass of water. The detective takes it and drinks slowly._

_That's when they hear her phone ringing. He hurries to get it. "It's the precinct. Should I tell them you're not feeling well?" he tells her hoping that she'll stay home._

_"No, I'm fine" she stretches her arm towards him to get her cell. He hands it to her after a second's hesitation. "Beckett" she says into the phone as she walks towards Castle to give him the glass and over to the bedside table to write the address down. "Alright. Be right there" she hangs up._

_"Body drop?"_

_"Yep. You comin'?" she asks when she notices he's not moving to get changed._

_"Right" he leaves the glass and the crackers on the table and puts on some clothes._

_"You wanna eat something?" he asks once they're both ready to go._

_"Not really"_

_"You should at least eat the crackers"_

_"Hmm" she decides to humor him, so she takes a few. "Let's go" she says between bites._

_The ride to the scene is quiet. Castle turns to look at her every once in a while. She seems better. Her color's back and she's already on cop mode. But that won't stop him from worrying, and Beckett knows it. She just hopes that he won't be hovering all day long._

_When they're at the scene, Beckett's a little distracted thinking about the incident at home and trying to keep whatever she managed to get into her stomach there._

_She also thinks about the fact that this wasn't the first morning she's been nauseous. And her period was… Oh, God._

_It doesn't take a Detective to put two and two together._

_Before she starts freaking out, she needs to-_

_"Beckett?" Esposito snaps her out of her thoughts. He was giving her the rundown of what they found at the scene and at some point she wasn't listening anymore._

_"Sorry?" she needs to focus on the case first. Then she'll find out if there's anything to freak out about._

_The case is open-and-shut. Albeit Beckett's absent-mindedness, they had the killer in custody by the end of the day._

_"Ready to go?" Castle asks standing by her desk where she's finishing some paperwork._

_"Hmm" she nods. "But I'll go to my apartment tonight. I've got to take care of something"_

_He frowns at her. "You sure?"_

_"Yeah" she gets up and gives him a chaste kiss on the lips. "Maybe I'll join you at your place later"_

_Castle looks disappointed but he doesn't say anything._

_Beckett looks around the precinct and finds it almost empty, so she takes him in for a deep kiss. When they break apart, they keep their foreheads together. "I love you" she says quietly._

_"I love you" he repeats before taking her in for a quick kiss. He then turns around and leaves._

_"Thank you" she makes him stops in his tracks in the middle of the bullpen. She says it for no particular reason, she's just… Thankful._

_He turns around and flashes her a smile that makes her want to get all over him right then and there. A smile that makes her feel like they're the only people in the world._

_He hears the unsaid words. Thank you for staying. Thank you for being there. Thank you, because you didn't have to… Thank you._

_"Always" he'll always be there for her. He'll do anything for her._

_He spins on his heels and continues his way towards the elevator._

_Beckett stares after him, a huge grin on her face and a warm fussy feeling in her belly. She has the urge to follow him and tell him what she thinks that's going on…_

_But she needs to make sure first. There's no need in getting his hopes up about something that might not even be happening._

_She sighs as she falls back on her chair, debating whether to call Lanie or not, but she decides against it. She needs to deal with it herself first. Let it sink in._

_Besides, the first person she wants to tell is Castle._

_She gathers her stuff and drives to her apartment, not before stopping at a drugstore to buy a pregnancy test._

* * *

Initially Beckett's in shock. But then she starts imagining the way Castle's face will light up when she tells him. _He'll be so thrilled!_

That's when it hits her. _She's going to be a mom! She's having a little Castle baby! _A smile slowly creeps onto her face at the thought.

She has to tell him. It's late, and he's at his loft probably asleep… But she has to tell him.

The detective gets back into her boots, grabs her keys and rushes towards the door, excitement bubbling all over her body.

She then remembers that she's on-call, so she goes back into her room and takes her gun and badge, just in case.

As soon as she locks the door, she hears the familiar ringing of her cellphone. She takes it out and when she looks at the caller ID she grunts. It's the precinct.

She'll have to put her plans on hold.

* * *

As Beckett gets into her unmarked, she calls Castle to tell him to meet her at the scene. When he doesn't answer she shrugs, figuring he's probably in the shower or busy with something. He'll call her back.

When she gets to the scene – a street corner where a silver hybrid has plowed into a cab – the place is already lit with the blinding blue-and-red of the police cars and emergency units and crawling with uniforms and CSU techs.

She parks her vehicle and finds Esposito and Ryan. "What've we got?" she says ready for the new case.

The two partners turn to look at Beckett with identical looks of surprise and confusion on their faces. There's something else in their expression, but she can't quite put her finger on it.

"Beckett" Javi looks at her almost as if she shouldn't be there.

"What are you doing here?" Ryan seems concerned.

"I'm on-call. Dispatch called me" she narrows her eyes at the detectives, who are making their way towards her.

Espo and Ryan look at each other when they get to her, not sure of what to do.

"Guys, what's going on?"

"Kate" Lanie walks towards her friend, looking distraught.

"What's going on, Lanie?" Beckett can feel the uneasiness in the air. The atmosphere seems heavier than usual. _If somebody doesn't tell her what's going on right now…_

The detectives and the ME are standing in front of her, incapable of talking and blocking her view of the scene.

She decides to take matters into her own hands. The brunette rounds the trio and walks confidently in the direction of the hybrid. Esposito, Ryan and Lanie fall a couple of steps behind her, bracing themselves for what's about to come.

In the car she finds a man lying against the steering wheel. The windshield is shattered, but he looks unharmed. Tough he's probably dead, otherwise the EMTs would've gotten him out of there as soon as they were here.

When Beckett makes her way to the cab, she can feel her team behind her holding their breaths. An uneasy feeling settles in her gut, a thousand different possible scenarios making their way into her mind.

What she sees next is yet something else that'll change her life forever. _In a completely different way._

* * *

**AN: Hope you enjoy this sad, yet hopefully inspiring story. Feel free to point out any inaccuracies or mistakes.**

**Thank you for reading. **

**Twitter: **Marielyfan

**Tumblr: **marielyfan


	2. Sucker Punch

**Sucker Punch**

_"It wasn't your fault, you know."_

_"I overstepped. I came down here to say that I'm sorry. And that I'm through. I can't shadow you anymore. If it wasn't for me..."_

_"If it wasn't for you, I would've never found my mom's killer. And someday soon, I'm gonna find the sons of bitches who had Coonan kill her. And I'd like you around when I do. And if you tell anyone what I'm about to say, there's gonna be another shooting, but...I've gotten used to you pulling my pigtails. I have a hard job, Castle, and having you around makes it a little more fun."_

_"Your secret's safe with me."_

_-Kate Beckett and Rick Castle "Sucker Punch"._

* * *

She stands there frozen. Life has sucker-punched her once again, knocking the air out of her lungs.

She can't do anything but stare at Castle's limp, bloody body trapped at the back of the cab in complete and utter disbelief.

Her mouth opens and closes, without being able to speak or even to breathe.

She wants to scream.

She wants to run.

She wants to get him out of there and get him back, because he cannot leave her.

He cannot leave her now. He cannot leave her.

_He promised he would always be there!_

But she can't do anything but stare.

Huddled behind her, Ryan, Esposito and Lanie can only watch as Beckett's life comes crashing down right before their eyes.

Captain Victoria Gates – who was supervising the scene – finds Beckett and sighs. She knew any attempt to try to stop the brunette from getting into the scene would've been futile, though she would've liked to break the news in better circumstances – as better as they can be as you tell someone the most important person in their life has been killed.

She walks over to the detective, who's still paralyzed in front of the scene, and puts a comforting hand on the younger woman's shoulder. She then turns her around gently.

Beckett doesn't resist as she's moved to look away from the chaos.

The reality of what's happening slowly sinks in as Kate stares past her friends, her vision unfocused. Tears start welling in her eyes; her limbs start to give in beneath her and her stomach starts turning.

Suddenly she runs to the nearest trashcan, where she violently empties her stomach.

Lanie rushes towards her friend quickly, and she tries her best to comfort her, but Beckett can't stop. She can't stop the violent sobs and she can't stop the dry heaving that's ripping through her body.

They stay like that for God knows how long until finally it stops. Then suddenly Kate's world turns sideways and melts into multicolored blobs before everything goes black.

Lanie drops to her knees with worry etched in her face, beside Beckett who's unconscious on the ground. Ryan and Esposito are quick to get to them.

The ME makes checks the detective's vitals before telling the guys to call some of the paramedics that are at the scene to get her into an ambulance. Taking into account the shock that Kate just experienced, Lanie considers it safer to take her to a hospital, just to make sure everything's alright.

As Kate is put on a stretcher, under the concerned watch of her friends, she slowly regains consciousness.

She struggles to remember everything that's going on. "What-" she's about to ask what happened, when everything rushes back to her. The blood, the pain in her gut that's starting to make itself known again… It's all coming back to her.

That's when her mind shuts off, leaving her feeling numb. She's vaguely aware of the fact that they load her into an ambulance and Lanie's holding her hand.

The ME stares at her friend's tear-streaked face and can see that she's there but she's not there. Her thoughts are taking her elsewhere, and considering what's going on, it's okay. At least for now.

At some point, Beckett notices the fact that she's no longer in the ambulance; she's now in the hospital being hooked to tubes and machines, and Lanie's not by her side anymore. A young guy in blue scrubs and a lab-coat is trying to get her attention.

"Ma'am? I'm Dr. Parker, can you tell me your name?" he asks her, not only to know what to call her, but also to asses her mental status. When she doesn't even acknowledge his presence in front of her, he asks again. "Ma'am?"

"Kate" she answers, her voice low and raspy. "Kate Beckett" she says, without looking at the young doctor.

He asks her other trivialities, like what day of the week it is, and determines that her mental status is unaltered, though she's deeply upset by something. He steps out of the room to talk to Lanie in order to find out what happened and he comes back with a chart in hand to continue his questioning.

Parker asks Beckett about allergies and for family history. She answers everything matter-of-factly, with no emotion whatsoever. That is until he asks his next question.

"Is there any chance that you're pregnant?"

That's the first time she actually looks at him in the eye, and what he sees is not the cold impenetrable façade he saw in her just seconds ago. What he finds in those troubled bloodshot and puffy hazel eyes, is a deep seeded fear.

"Yes" she nods slightly. "I think I might be" she adds as an afterthought. Home pregnancy tests are not that reliable.

He nods, and looks at her sympathetically before he leaves the room. His patient's best friend told him what had happened to Kate's husband, and he understands that this is a terrible time for her.

Lanie rushes back into the room as soon as Parker gets out. She finds the detective once again staring past everything in front of her.

The ME takes a seat by the bed and holds Beckett's hand, trying to reassure her.

A nurse comes in and takes a sample of Kate's blood. She then hands her a small plastic cup and asks if she could give them a sample. The detective nods and heads towards the bathroom. She's quickly back on the bed.

Lanie and Kate seat quietly each lost in their own thoughts for several minutes.

"Why?" Beckett's low, broken voice pierces the silence.

Lanie looks over at her looking confused, but it quickly dawns on her and her heart breaks when she realizes what she's talking about. _If only she had an answer to that… _"I wish I knew, Kate. I wish I knew"

Beckett feels like she's 19 years old again, wondering why the universe is so cruel, wondering why her mother had to die… Only this time's worse. Nobody should go through something like this in their lives.

And she's gone though it twice.

_Is this some kind of sick twisted joke the Universe is pulling on her? She just got over her mother's murder – after over a decade of heartache – and now this? How is that even fair?_

This is exactly why after the death of her mother she vowed to never depend on anybody ever again.

Castle managed to get into the walls she had built around herself, and now he's gone.

He won't be there to cheer her up when she feels like she's drowning in paperwork.

He won't be there to spin crazy theories when they've hit a wall in their investigations…

He won't be there to love her… He won't be there for her anymore.

He's gone and she's here, alone.

_Not all alone_, she reminds herself as she absentmindedly takes her hand to her stomach. That's when she breaks down crying once again, this time, quietly.

_He won't be there to see their child grow up._

Lanie stands up and sits beside her friend on the bed, holding her close.

Beckett hangs on to the ME like if her life depended on it until she almost cries herself to sleep. That is until she jolts awake. "Have you called Alexis? Martha?" she asks the ME almost desperately. _God, they're going to be so crushed! And Alexis…_Beckett can't help but feel terribly for Alexis. She knows how it feels to lose a parent.

Lanie nods with the same sad, hopeless expression she's worn since they brought Beckett into the hospital. "Do you want me to tell them to come here?"

"No" Kate shakes her head. They've got enough on their plates already. "Call my dad"

"Do you want me to tell him what happened?"

"Not over the phone. You can tell him once he's here" she won't be able to do it, so she's grateful that Lanie offered to.

The ME nods and just as she gets down from the bed, Dr. Parker comes into the room. "Could I talk to Detective Beckett?" he says to Lanie, who nods and leaves. "Kate," he starts as he reads from the chart. "You are indeed pregnant" he gives her a small smile and pauses to let it sink in.

She just nods, incapable of registering any emotion. She just has way too much going on to understand it completely.

"And everything else looks alright. The loss of consciousness was most likely caused by a drop in your blood pressure, but that's completely normal" he reassures her.

She nods again in acknowledgment.

A while later Jim Beckett rushes into her room. He stops at the door and stares at his daughter sympathetically. She looks completely drained, and doesn't even realize he's there.

He silently heads over to his daughter's beside, and when she feels him beside her she turns to look at him. "Hey" Jim says quietly.

"Hey"

"I'm sorry"

She shakes her head and lowers her gaze. It's not his fault. It's nobody's fault.

He puts his hand on his daughter's back and leans closer to kiss her softly on the forehead. "It gets better" he whispers. He knows how it feels to lose someone you love. It's going to be a living hell for a while, but she's strong. She'll get through it. It _will _get better.

"Does it really get better?" she looks up at him. "Or do you just bury it deeper?"

He tilts his head to the side. _I wish I knew, Katie. __I wish I knew._

* * *

Beckett is kept in the hospital for the rest of the night to be released in the morning.

Esposito, Ryan, Lanie and even Gates are at there before she leaves. The detective notices they're still wearing the same clothes they were wearing the day before. They've probably been working on the case all night.

"So?" she asks them, not really knowing if to wish for an accident or a hit.

The thing is that if it was an accident, it would be over quickly… But there would be nobody to blame.

On the other hand, if it was a hit, she would most certainly go down the rabbit hole once again, but it would also give her a goal: Catch the sons of bitches that did it. Maybe that would give her the closure she'll crave desperately once his absence haunts her every second.

Because she knows it will.

"Forensics is still on it, but it's looking more and more like an accident" Ryan says softly.

She nods. An accident has ripped him from her. It doesn't seem fair.

But then again, nothing really does right now.

"Where are we going?" Jim asks his daughter.

They're in a cab and he's not sure where she'd like to go, and when he asks her, she realizes she doesn't know either.

She could go to her place, but she's got barely anything there. The only reason she's kept her apartment this long is for when her and Castle want some time away from the overcrowded loft. And going to her father's is not really an option. She doesn't want to bother him.

She ends up giving the address for Castle's place. The ride there is silent, both father and daughter lost in their own thoughts.

Once at the building, Jim takes his daughter up, and decides to stay in order to offer his condolences to Martha and Alexis.

Beckett knocks instead of using her key. Being there seems like a bad idea now. She doesn't feel like she has the right to be there anymore.

As soon as Martha sees who's at the other side of the door, she opens it and throws herself into the detective's arms. Kate hugs back, but is incapable of saying anything. What_ can _she say?

Once the women break apart, Jim walks towards the redhead. "I'm so sorry, Martha"

Martha's eyes are puffy and they can guess she's been crying. She shakes her head and gives Jim a quick hug.

Beckett takes a few steps inside and scans the loft. "Where's Alexis?"

"She hasn't been out of her room since we came back"

Kate nods in understanding. It's going to be really tough for young woman for a while.

Martha offers Jim to come in and have some coffee, but he refuses.

"Will you be alright?" he asks his daughter.

"Yeah" she lies. She's not alright. She might never _be alright_ again.

* * *

**AN: I know these are completely horrible circumstances, but it's only going to get worse before it gets better, so I hope you'll bear with me.**


	3. Same Mistake

**Same Mistake**

_Saw the world turning in my sheets and once again I cannot sleep._

_Walk out the door and up the street; look at the stars beneath my feet._

_Remember rights that I did wrong, so here I go._

_Hello, hello. There is no place I cannot go._

_My mind is muddy but my heart is heavy. Does it show?_

_I lose the track that loses me, so here I go._

_And so I sent some men to fight, and one came back at dead of night._

_Said he'd seen my enemy. Said he looked just like me,_

_So I set out to cut myself and here I go._

_I'm not calling for a second chance,_

_I'm screaming at the top of my voice._

_Give me reason but don't give me choice._

_'Cause I'll just make the same mistake again._

_-James Blunt, "Same Mistake"_

* * *

When Jim is bidding his goodbyes, Kate scurries toward the master bedroom, not wanting to be alone with Martha, but she freezes as soon as she gets to the threshold of the office. Memories of him writing at his desk – or more often than not, distracting himself from writing – flood her mind.

_He'll never get to write there anymore._

_There'll be no more Nikki Heat._

She walks through the office in a trance-like state until she reaches the bedroom.

She stares blankly at the bed that will, from now on, be way too big and lonely.

_This was such a terrible idea._

_She has to get the hell away from there._

She doesn't have the right to be there. She doesn't belong there anymore.

Kate finds a suitcase and frenetically starts throwing her clothes in. It's messy but it's quick. The faster she can get out of there the better.

Before she can make a run for it, she hears someone shuffling in the kitchen.

Right. She had forgotten she wasn't alone.

The last thing she wants is for Martha or Alexis to tell her to stay, so she sits on the bed and sighs. She'll wait until it's clear.

Once Kate's alone the first floor, she drags the suitcase to the door and pauses. She takes out her keychain and removes the loft's key from it. She stares at it for a while, until finally placing it on the kitchen counter, where she knows they'll find it.

She goes back to the door and after a second's hesitation, she destroys all Castle built in her – or rather, she rebuilds what Castle broke down in her – by going back to her old ways and closing the door.

The void left in her by the loss of her husband is only made deeper as she walks away from the loft.

_As she walks away from her family._

Outside of the building, she hails a cab and asks the driver to take her home.

Though frankly, she's not sure where that is anymore.

* * *

The room Kate steps into is light, contrasting the aura that surrounds her. But it's also lonely and slowly getting cold as the November chill seeps inside. That, though, she _can _relate to.

She's snapped out of her thoughts by the ringing of her phone. _It must be Martha._

When the caller ID confirms her suspicions, she puts the cell on silent mode and leaves it on the kitchen table, right by the stove.

She drops the suitcase in her room and decides to take a shower.

As soon as she stands in front of the tub and drops the last item of clothing to the floor, she's frozen again. And she stays that way for a while.

If she steps into the shower all evidence of his body on hers will forever be gone. Castle's arms wrapped around her, his lips on hers, their bodies fitting together oh, so perfectly… _Gone._

_Just like him._

A feeling of dread and loneliness takes hold of her body – not for the first time in the past 12 hours – and the hollow pain deep within her reappears. She takes a few deep, shaky breaths before finally stepping into the tub.

Her rational voice – one that at the moment is barely a whisper in the back corner of her mind – is telling her that the memories of him won't be ripped away from her by the warm water… But with rationality thrown at the window, she breaks-down as soon as the spray hits her bare skin.

Sobbing almost hysterically, she ends up sitting on the floor. Soon, it becomes too much and it turns into a full-blown panic attack.

In an attempt to gather herself and to be able to get air into her lungs, she presses her knees to her chin, until the waterworks become nothing more than quiet whimpers.

_He's gone. She's lost him forever, _is a mantra that keeps circling her mind in the same haunting rhythm as the water falling on her shaking body.

She's gotten so used to having him around. _How is she supposed to let go of all of that and move on?_

Once Beckett finally makes it out of the shower, she changes into her pajamas and goes straight to her bed, feeling completely drained.

As soon as she lies down, she's reminded of the fact that she hasn't eaten all day by the rumbling of her stomach and a headache that's starting to make itself known, so she gets up again and walks to the kitchen.

When she opens the double door fridge, she's aware of a buzzing sound that's coming from behind her. She closes the doors and turns around to find her phone vibrating on the table. When it stops, she walks towards it and is hardly surprised to see all the missed calls.

Several are from Martha, a couple from her father, Lanie and the boys, and even some from Alexis. She sighs and puts the phone down again. She's pretty sure it won't be long until at least one of them is at her doorstep.

Kate rummages through the fridge and cupboards and manages to find enough stuff to make a grilled cheese sandwich.

She places the snack and a glass of water on the table, where she sits down to eat _alone. _She's going to have to get used to that feeling again.

For a woman who took pride in her independence, she sure is finding the empty apartment haunting.

As soon as she's done, she hears two knocks on the door, which she decides to ignore. The she hears them again, but they're more insistent this time.

"Kate! I know you're in there!"

Beckett sighs when she recognizes Lanie's hollering voice and grudgingly makes her way to it. She might as well answer. She knows that the ME could be capable of taking the door down if it meant getting to talk to her.

When Kate looks at her friend's face, she sees how frustration quickly gives way to sympathy. And that's exactly what she wanted to avoid. She doesn't need anybody's pity.

"What do you want, Lanie?" she spits out, with more hostility than necessary.

"What are _you _doing, Kate?" she shoots back, taking in her friend's defiant stare.

Kate's eyes are dark and deeply hollowed, and there are lines of fatigue in her face that the ME had never seen before, confirming what she already knew. This is taking a tremendous toll on her, and it's only bound to get worse.

Lanie brushes past Kate into the living room. She shouldn't be doing this alone. She just can't.

Beckett rolls her eyes and closes the door, not in the mood for fighting. She slowly turns around and waits for whatever Lanie wants to say. The faster the ME gets it out of her chest, the sooner she can go back to her own lonely grieving.

The silence hangs between them for a while, until Lanie finally speaks softly.

"Why are you doing this, Kate?" she pauses. "The running, the hiding… I thought you were done with all of this when Castle came along" everybody saw how much he changed her, and now they're all worried that his loss will cause irreparable damage.

Kate gasps at the sound of his name, and she feels the tears start to well in her eyes, but she fights them. She's already broken-down enough for one day.

"Hurting the people who love you – your family… Leaving _us _behind?"

Now she can hear the hurt in Lanie's words. "I'm not…"

"Yes! Yes you are! You just walked out on your family!" she walks closer to Kate. She hates to see what her words are doing to her friend, but she has to tell her what she's doing. She has to make sure that she doesn't do something she'll regret. "Your dad, Martha, Alexis, the boys… We've all been worried sick about you"

They all know she's going to need time, but they had hoped that she would at least stay close. That she wouldn't run away. They only want to help.

Kate stares blankly at the ME, trying not to show how much this is rattling her.

Lanie closes the rest of the distance between them and puts her hands on Beckett's shoulders, staring deeply into the troubled hazel eyes. "We already lost Castle. We don't want to lose you too"

This makes something inside of Kate break, but before she becomes a mess of sobs again, she steps away from the ME and walks past her into the living room, not looking back at her.

"I just need…" she starts, trying to keep her voice from breaking. "Some time alone"

Lanie nods in defeat. That's as good as she'll get. "If you need anything, and I mean _anything_… There are a lot of people who care about you, Kate. Don't turn your back on us"

All Beckett manages is to nod, still not looking back.

As soon as she hears the door close, Kate takes a few deep breaths, but isn't able to keep the tears at bay anymore.

She barely manages to make it to her bed before losing it again.

* * *

_Castle blinks as he slowly becomes aware of his surroundings and looks at the bright red digits of the alarm clock, that tell him that it's late, very late. And yet, someone's knocking on his door._

_He pushes the covers aside and sits up. His feet hit the floor and he stands up before making his way towards the noise that disrupted his sleep. He looks through the peephole and quickly opens the door._

_Kate finds herself at Castle's doorstep, freezing and her face tear-streaked. She looks up at him and already she feels warmer than she did when she got there._

He's wearing shorts, a black t-shirt and his hair is sticking out in odd points. He looks groggy. "Kate," he's suddenly wide awake when realizes she doesn't look right. "What's wrong?" he ushers her into the apartment.

"I'm- I don't know" she admits. "I'm cold, Castle. I'm cold" she looks at him pleadingly.

_He's not sure of what's going on. She looks so small, so broken… And he does the only thing he can do. "Let's get you warm, then" he takes her hand and guides her to the bedroom._

_She lies down and he drapes her with his body before pulling the covers up so that they're both shielded from the chill. He can feel her shivering slightly in his arms. "This is your home, Kate. You belong here. Remember that" he whispers in her ear._

_She nods. The feeling of his heart beating makes a wave of unconditional love wash through her, making her believe that everything is going to be alright_

_Once she has been able to stop shaking and her breathing comes back to normal, he puts his hand over her belly. As if he knew the proof of their love was growing inside of her at this very moment._

_"Thank you" she says quietly._

_"Always"_

_For a moment, she feels pure happiness. Covered by her husband's arms and huddled in his warmth… It feels so right…  
_

* * *

__

In a flash, Kate is back at her apartment. The covers are up to her chin and she's covered in sweat.

She turns to lie on her back and as soon as she pushes the covers down, the chill hits her warm body. And she remembers.

_It was a dream… It was all a dream_. But what a dream it was.

She can still feel the ghosts of his arms around her, and how safe she felt. Safer than she's felt since he left… Which even though it was just a little over 24 hours ago – it's felt like forever.

His words are also ringing in her head. '_This is your home, Kate. You belong here. Remember that.'_

Is this him – or her own subconscious – trying to stop her from making the mistake of losing herself by leaving everybody behind?

Whatever it was, she's still not ready to face the rest of the world.

Whatever it was, she needs to deal with it herself before dealing with everybody else.

And she plans on taking her time.


	4. Mourning Sickness

**Mourning Sickness**

_"He was nice. Really sucks that he died"_

_"Yeah, it does"_

_"He'll be okay though. My mom says that when you die it's like going to a great reunion and you get to hang out with everyone you really love. It's lonely though, being left behind. I felt lonely when my mom died… Are you lonely?"_

_"Yeah"_

_-Mason Warner and Violet Turner "Mourning Sickness", Private Practice._

* * *

Kate slowly wakes up the next morning. The first thing she notices is the glare of the morning sun that pierces through the curtains and falls on her eyes. She blinks a few times, adjusting to the light and stretches her arms in front of her. She then glances at the red digits of the alarm clock that read _9:47 am._

_Shit! It's late! _She immediately bolts upright to a sitting position, which ends up being a horrible idea. She has to lie back down to try to stop the room from spinning around her.

_Late for what? _This few moments of relative bliss turn into darkness when the weight she carried on her shoulders the day before is back burdening her soul.

There's no rush. There's nowhere to she has to be, nowhere she has to go… _And that's the worst thing that can happen to her right now._

But before she can dwell on how she's going to busy herself for the rest of the day, she has to leap from the bed to try to make it to the toilet before throwing up the remains of whatever it is she managed to get into her stomach last night.

Once she's done with that, she pads over to the kitchen, where she automatically makes her way to the coffee maker. When she reaches it, she remembers that coffee might not be the best idea at the moment… And she can't even settle on tea, given that she doesn't have any.

She sighs in frustration and runs her hand over her face. _No caffeine… Just what she needed._

Kate ends up gulping down a glass of water before walking to the living room.

She stands there for a few minutes, staring at the sunbathed form of the books that lay on shelves attached to the wall. Her attention is only on the lower level, where the words that took her out of the rabbit hole she was getting herself into 15 years ago stand.

She walks towards them and takes the red and black paperback from its place and looks at the cover with a half-smile before opening it on the dedication page.

_To the extraordinary KB and all my friends at the 12th._

This book is what started it all. This book is what gave her everything she never knew she wanted.

She absent-mindedly runs her finger over the scribbled signature.

_Rick Castle_.

She closes her eyes and images of the last 6 years flash by in her mind. The good, the bad, the fun, the sad… And suddenly she longs for the safety she felt when he held her in his arms, for the happiness that took hold of her every time she saw the way his eyes lit up when he smiled, the way she hang on his every word when he promised her _always…_

A pang of loneliness and hopelessness engulfs her when a thought crosses her mind. _That won't happen again. It'll stay forever a memory. Forever in the past._

She closes the book and puts it back in its place.

When Kate's stomach starts protesting about the fact that she hasn't eaten yet, she pads back to the kitchen.

Breakfast consists on the only thing she believes her body can take: dry toast and orange juice. Not that she had that many options in her empty cabinets anyway.

When she hears the phone buzzing behind her again, she's mildly surprised. She thought that Lanie was going to tell everyone that she needed some time… Guess she was wrong.

Finally, curiosity ends up getting the best of her and when she's done with breakfast, she looks at the cell. There were a couple calls from Martha, Alexis, her dad, Javi, Kevin… _No surprise there… _But something actually catches her eye. She's got two calls from Gina Cowell.

Before Kate can think too much about it, she dials the publicist's phone number.

"Gina Cowell"

"Hi, um, it's Kate Beckett"

"Oh, hi Kate" Gina's business-like tone turns into sympathy and Kate winces. "I'm-"

Before she has a chance to say how sorry she is for her loss, she cuts the other woman off. "Yeah, did you want to talk to me?"

Hearing the brunette's biting tone, the publicist quits with the pleasantries. "Very well" she starts, and Kate's grateful for the icy approach. "I called to talk to you about Rick's affairs here at Black Pawn. Have you already talked to his lawyer?"

There's a moment of silence as Kate recovers from the bucket of cold water that she just received. She hadn't thought about all of this.

She knows he has – _had_ – a will_. Man, she'll never get used to that. _He had told her he'd made one in a one of their near-death experiences. _How is it that they survived bombs, a bullet to the heart, kidnappings, crazy gunmen and even a mother-freaking tiger no less, but he dies in an accident?_

There also has to be a funeral and- _she's going to have to bury him. She's going to have to bury her husband._

"Kate?"

She's jerked from her thoughts by Gina's voice. "I… I haven't. Listen, Can you take care of all the PR stuff? You can release a statement or whatever it is you do, and the funeral is off limits for the fans" the last thing she needs is to have to take care of his business too.

"Of course. And when will you meet the lawyer? Because if you don't mind, I'd like to be there to know what's gonna happen with his royalties"

"Yeah, sure. I'll let you know when we'll meet him"

"Alright. Thank you" and without anything else the line goes dead.

Kate stares at the phone for a while before dialing his lawyer's number.

He tells her that he can meet her as soon as today and she tells him that she'll call him back. When she hangs up, she moves to her bedroom in a daze, her head swirling with all the logistics.

_It looks like she's going to have to face Martha and Alexis sooner than she wanted to._

Once in her bedroom, she goes for the wardrobe where she takes some clothes to change into. She then looks at herself in the mirror for a long time, before her gaze falls on a photograph that's on her bedside table.

A lump forms in her throat at its sight. It's a picture of her standing in front of Castle, safe surrounded by his strong arms. They both look happy and serene, as if nothing could ever take what they have away.

The image Kate sees in the mirror doesn't show even a hint of happiness or serenity. Her hair is pulled back into a ponytail and lose strands pathetically frame her pale strained face and her eyes are red and puffy.

There's no way she's the same person in the picture. _She never will be that person again._

Before she leaves, she grabs her coat from the closet and something catches her eye. She grabs for it and her heart skips a beat.

_It's Castle's coat._

She slowly takes the fabric to her nose and is instantly overwhelmed by his scent that still lingers in the garment. Without thinking it twice, she puts it on and holds it tight against her body.

_This is the closest she'll be from him ever again._

* * *

As Kate drags her feet to the all too familiar building a chill runs through her spine. What used to be a kind, welcoming sight has turned into a dreadful and cold façade. Reaching the door of the apartment, despite of the thick clothing, she has to dig her hands into the coat pockets to search for warmth.

She glares at the number on the door for a while, not knowing what to expect from the people who are inside. She left, and she's certain that she's going to get grief about that, but after all, she deserves nothing less.

Finally she musters enough strength to knock.

_What the hell am I doing here?_ She thinks a little too late.

* * *

When Martha recognizes the last person she expected to see at her doorstep she's taken aback as a whirlwind of emotion hits her. Her first feeling is rage.

When she'd found the room empty she felt worried but it quickly turned into anger. _How can she leave them like that? _Her son had told her all about Kate's running, but they all thought that was over when they got together. _Why can she not trust them?_

Though taking in her daughter-in-law's ragged and troubled appearance, wearing a black coat that's several sizes too big that makes look her so very small and vulnerable, all that chagrin seems like a distant memory and Martha's suddenly flooded with relief. _She's there and that's all that matters right now._

Martha finally opens the door and stares at the brunette, waiting for her to speak.

Kate can immediately see the hurt in the other woman's eyes and she really can't blame her, but she also sees that she's not doing much better than she is. _Guess nobody can be doing much better than that._

"Hi" she starts simply. "Can I… Can I come in? I- I won't be staying long, I just need to talk to you and Alexis"

"You won't stay long?"

Kate nods reassuringly, but she can't help being hurt at the lack of feeling in the redhead's words, even when _she _was the one to leave in the first place.

"Then you can't come in"

The brunette is thrown off by the concrete statement and her posture straightens, becoming defensive. "I'm sorry?"

"Katherine…" Martha's gaze softens. "We- we need you here, and I'm sure you need us too. I know you think you need to go through this alone, but this time you don't have to"

Kate sighs, her gaze dropping to the ground and her form becoming small again. "Can we… Can we just talk?" she says quietly.

Martha lets the door fly open and is silently followed into the kitchen by the younger woman. "Want something to drink?"

She shakes her head and sits on one of the stools, watching Martha fix herself a drink. Kate has to restrain herself from looking at her watch, but she knows it's too early to be drinking, though she really can't judge her. To be honest, she'd probably be downing a glass of scotch right now if it wasn't for…

She can't even finish that though, because she knows that if she does, she'll become a mess again.

As she observes the older woman at the other side of the counter she also notices the red eyes and the deep pain that won't heal but after years of trying to accept what can't be accepted._ Much like Kate's own._

"Gina called" Kate finally says, before her mind has the chance to continue with the psychoanalysis.

Martha nods, facing Kate and taking the glass to her lips.

"She, um… Asked me about the will and the funeral and I'd really like to deal with that as soon as possible, if… If that's alright with you"

_I'd really like_… she snickers pathetically at herself. _What she'd like is for her husband not to be dead._

"Yeah…" Martha is about to say that she'll call him, but stops herself when she remembers that that's not her job anymore. "Do you have the information?"

"I do, I called him. He can be here as soon as today if that's what we want" she pauses and turns to look around the loft. "Where's Alexis?" she turns back to meet Martha's now-permanently-anguished look, remembering that she hasn't seen the young woman since before it happened.

"Upstairs"

"How's she holding up?" she asks, already knowing the answer.

"As well as any of us, I guess. Poor girl's a mess"

Kate rests her head oh her hands, her elbows propped on the counter. "I cannot believe this is happening" she sighs in frustration, the reality of the situation still hard to grasp.

"Tell me about it" Martha adds sadly, taking another sip from her drink.

"What are you doing here?"

Kate turns abruptly to look at Alexis, who's coming down the stairs.

She's still wearing her PJs and she looks just how Kate expected to see her, except there's something else in her eyes. Beyond sorrow, there's hatred.

"You decided you weren't a part of this family when you left. What are you doing back here?"

The young woman's tone is dripping with grief and loathing and Kate's hurt, but she just gets up, unflinching, waiting to take whatever it is she has to give.

"Alexis" Martha chides her granddaughter, walking towards her, but Kate holds her hand up, stopping her.

"It's okay" she says to the older woman before looking back at Alexis.

Alexis runs down the stairs towards Kate, her breathing quick and her glare deadly.

"This is all your fault! All of it!"

Kate's posture shifts ever so slightly, but takes a breath to calm herself. She remembers when she was in Alexis' shoes. All she needed was someone to blame, someone to yell at, and if she happens to be that someone for the young redhead, she'll take it. She completely understands the feeling. She also needs someone to blame.

"You know, he was going to see you. If you would've been here none of this would've happened"

"Alexis! That's enough!" Martha intervenes, but it's too late. The cold, harsh truth is already making Kate's heart race in her chest as realization falls on her like a ton of bricks.

_It's all her fault. _Why hadn't she seen it sooner?

_Now she knows the only person responsible for all of this. Now she has someone to blame: Herself._

* * *

**AN: Thank you to all who have taken the time to review, who follow/favorite! I really appreciate it.**


	5. Goodbye's The Saddest Word

**Goodbye's The Saddest Word**

_"Babe, this is your letter, and I hope you never have to read this... that I can tell you all of these things in person, but if something happens and I don't make it, I need you to know that our partnership, our relationship is the greatest thing that has ever happened to me. You're an amazing man, and I love you with all of my heart. __Always."_

_-Kate Beckett "In The Belly Of The Beast"_

* * *

_"You know, he was going to see you. If you would've been here none of this would've happened"_

_"Alexis! That's enough!" Martha intervenes, but it's too late. The cold, harsh truth is already making Kate's heart race in her chest as realization falls on her like a ton of bricks._

_It's all her fault. Why hadn't she seen it sooner?_

_Now she knows the only person responsible for all of this. Now she has someone to blame: Herself._

* * *

It's her fault if they're in this situation.

_He was on the way to her apartment._

If she hadn't been so stubborn, if she hadn't been so fucking selfish maybe they wouldn't be in this mess.

_It's all her fault, and she deserves everything his family has to throw at her._

Kate has to grip the chair when she starts swaying. By the time Martha reaches her, Alexis has already stormed back upstairs.

"Katherine" Martha stands in front of her, trying to get her attention. "It's _not _your fault" she says firmly when she finally meets her eyes.

"It is! He was going to see me, he-"

"No, Katherine"

Kate struggles to hold her mother-in-law's piercing gaze.

"It's the fault of that drunk driver. It's _his _fault. But he's dead. I know you're looking for someone to hold responsible. We all are. But for better or for worse… We have only destiny to blame"

The brunette drops her gaze to the floor and when she snaps out of the _It's my fault _trance, she looks back up where she finds something else to feel guilty about. She can see the pain that's eating away at the older woman's soul, but who's also trying to keep everybody together all while trying not to break down.

"I- I have to go" she says stepping away from Martha and making her way to the door. _Martha's already dealing with her own grief… She doesn't need to deal with hers too._

The redhead huffs in frustration. _How can she not get it?_ "Katherine, this is your home. We care about you. We're all grieving. Might as well do it together"

Kate looks back, staring at her for a while before she nods. If that's what she wants, she might as well stay. "Okay"

Martha nods and her daughter-in-law is actually surprised to see some light and relief in the blue eyes. A lump forms in her throat and she finally feels safe enough to let go.

"Oh, Martha" Kate makes her way to the other woman and takes her into her arms. "I'm so sorry" the embrace is strong and clingy, but it's exactly what both women need.

"Parents should not have to bury their children. That's just not right" she says between sobs, and Kate can't do anything but hold her tight.

They stay like that for God knows how long until they finally break apart.

Then the brunette calls the lawyer and Gina, who'll be there in a little over an hour.

As they wait, Martha busies herself by going upstairs to talk to Alexis and Kate goes into the office.

She's once again hit by images of him and of them in that space. _His_ space.

As she walks slowly to his desk, she hugs the coat – which she didn't bother taking off – closer to her frame. She then runs her hand over the leather chair thoughtfully. When she sits on it she feels like she's somehow betraying his memory. This was his sacred place. It just feels wrong to be snooping around here.

She absentmindedly runs her hands over the desk and sinks deeper into the chair, grasping for whatever is left of him on the leather.

At the end she just grabs one of the Nikki Heat books from the bookcase and curls up with it on the couch in the living room, not yet ready to face the empty bedroom again.

Her reading is interrupted a while later by a knock on the door.

By now, Martha is back downstairs, so she's the one to get it. An older looking man in a power suit holding a briefcase stands in the doorway wearing a look of sympathy. "Good afternoon Mrs. Rodgers"

"Hello, Frank" she lets him in.

"Good afternoon Mrs. Castle"

Kate, who is now standing by the kitchen table, nods in acknowledgement.

As he sets up his things on the table, Martha calls Alexis downstairs and Gina arrives.

They all sit around the table facing the lawyer.

Alexis sits the farthest away from him, not really caring for this thing and shooting daggers at everyone.

They shouldn't be doing this. This whole thing shouldn't be happening. _Why is this happening?_

It wasn't supposed to be like this. He was supposed to be there watching over her every move and being irrationally over protective whenever she meets a new guy.

He was supposed to see her become someone important. He was supposed to walk her down the aisle. He was supposed to… He was supposed to do a lot of things.

But now he's gone. And the only way she's found to cope is to trying to find someone to hold responsible for her father's death, but it's not working. Nothing does.

She just wants this pain to end. And she can't seem to find a way to make all this at least a little less painful and it's driving her crazy.

She's just mad. Mad at herself, mad at the world…

_Why did this happen to them?! They're nice people for crying out loud! Why do these things happen to nice people?_

And why the hell is Gina doing there anyway?

Martha and Beckett just look worn out and mildly interested. On the other hand the publicist seems to be coping with all this just fine.

"Alright" the lawyer begins, laying some folders on the table.

That's when Kate stops listening, getting lost in her own thoughts. Whatever he could've left for her is nothing compared to what she lost.

They're actually doing this. This is only another remainder of the fact that they'll never see him again and that's making the constant pain in their gut only get worse.

Actually, none of them is really listening to Frank, except for Gina who's asking questions and taking notes.

The lawyer makes quick work of it all and after everything is sorted out, he offers his condolences and bids his goodbyes before leaving. The publicist doesn't stick around much longer and leaves just after Frank.

Martha sighs and retires to her bedroom, leaving Kate sitting at the table and Alexis fixing herself something to eat.

The silence between the two is heavy and uncomfortable so after some thought, the brunette decides to make a move. She gets up, and as she's about to make her way to the redhead, the room begins to spin and she suddenly breaks out in cold sweat, trying to fight the dizziness, but it becomes too much and when she feels the color drain from her face, she says weakly, "Alexis"

Alexis looks up and is immediately alarmed about how bad she looks. She runs towards her just in time to hold her up. All the anger towards everybody she was determined to feel suddenly a distant memory.

"Something's wrong" Kate manages to say before slipping into unconsciousness in the girl's arms.

"Grams! Grams!" the young woman struggles with Kate's weight, but is determined to not let her fall.

Martha, concerned by her granddaughter's fearful tone, makes her way downstairs as fast as possible and is struck by the scene she finds by the kitchen table. She's quick to get to them and helps Alexis keep Kate up, before slowly taking her to lie on the couch.

Martha kneels by Kate's side and Alexis leans on the back of the couch, anxious and worried expressions on their faces.

"Katherine? Katherine?" the older woman tries to get some response from her daughter-in-law, but nothing happens. "What happened?" she looks up at Alexis.

"I- I don't know. She stood up from the table and next thing I know she's as white as a ghost and I- I'm keeping her up"

That's when Kate slowly opens her eyes.

"Katherine!" Martha explains, visibly relieved.

"Wha- What happened?" Beckett is confused. Everything in her mind is a blur.

"You fainted" Alexis explains simply.

"Go get her some water, dear" Martha instructs her granddaughter, who's quick to do as she's told.

Kate slowly sits up, regaining her bearings. "Whoa" she closes her eyes, her balance still off.

"Easy, easy" Martha sits by her side. "What's wrong, darling?"

"Nothing" Beckett shakes her head, accepting the glass Alexis is handing her. "Thanks" she says taking the glass to her lips.

"Are you sure?" the older woman pushes, throwing her a look.

"Yeah" Kate nods reassuringly. She's not ready to say anything else. But she definitely should go to her doctor. She needs to take care of herself.

Beckett's energy has completely left her body despite of the fact that it's not later than 6 pm, so she heads over to the bedroom, where she takes her shoes and coat off before slipping into the covers.

* * *

_Fire. His car is on fire._

_The sun is shining in the clear sky overhead, but the last thing on her mind is glancing at the scenery. She's just running. Running towards the fire as quick as her wedding dress is letting her go. _

_They're about to get married and now his car is on fire._

_The street seems to stretch endlessly in front of her and frustration and exhaustion are making it hard for her to breathe. The more she runs, the farther away from the flaming car she seems to be. Her limbs have started to protest and oxygen is barely getting into her lungs, but she has to get there. She has to save him._

_They have to get their happy ending. She can't give up._

_"Castle!" she screams between breaths with the vain hope that he'll spring up from somewhere unscathed. "Castle!" she yells again, finally approaching the inferno._

_Suddenly, she feels herself drifting back away from the chaos, but she fights the pull with all her might._

_She has to save him. She has to bring him back. She has to…_

* * *

"Katherine. Katherine" a frightened Martha is shaking Beckett awake.

About an hour after the brunette retired to her room she started screaming, so Martha came running in to find her tossing on the bed.

Kate's eyes suddenly open. Her breathing is quick, and she's covered in sweat.

"It's alright" Martha tries to calm her down. She sits on the bed and puts her hand on the other woman's back. "It was just a nightmare"

As Beckett's breathing gets back to normal, the redhead is taken back to when she used to wake Richard when he had nightmares and how she had to stay with him, running her hand over his hair for him to be able to go back to sleep.

_That was so long ago…_

"I'm sorry Martha" Kate runs her hand over her face, the images of her dream still fresh in her memory.

"Don't apologize, dear" Martha says softly, before she remembers something. "You know, actually… I'll be back in a second" she scurries out of the room, leaving a confused Kate in her wake.

Martha sits on the edge of the bed and opens a drawer, its contents staring back at her mercilessly. She takes out the two white envelopes and runs her hand along the names scribbled across its well-worn surface, memories of how these letters ended up in there rushing back into her mind.

* * *

**_Six months earlier..._**

_"Hey, kiddo" Martha looks up from the script she's going over to meet her son's eyes._

_"Hey" Castle walks into the living room and sits by his mother's side._

_He looks thoughtful, and she waits patiently for him to say whatever he has to say. Throwing him a sideways glance, she also notices that he looks fidgety and he's staring at the two white envelopes he's holding._

_"What is it, Richard?" she finally asks, startling him out of his trance._

_He shakes his head trying to clear his thoughts before speaking. "Can I ask you a favor?" he turns his body to face his mother with newfound confidence._

_Martha can't help but feel worried when she sees the look on her son's face. He's deeply troubled by something and he looks lost. Like a child who just realized that Santa Clause is nothing more than a lie. But there's also sheer determination and resolution piercing through the fog in his blue eyes._

_"If- If something ever happens to me…" he pauses, handing her the letters. "I want you to give these to Kate and Alexis" he points to the names written on the paper._

_She takes them slowly and nods before looking back up. "Where is this coming from?"_

_He sighs and runs his hand over his face, struggling to maintain his determination. "It's just… With everything we've been through…" _and all that they've barely survived…_ "I mean, we've been shot at, kidnapped, locked in a freezer…" _how have they managed to get themselves into so much crap anyway?_ "If anything ever happens to me I don't want to just leave them hanging" he straightens up. _He needs to remember what's important. _"I wanna give them at least some kind of closure"_

_Beckett has just spent the last 15 years of her life trying to get closure for her mother. He doesn't want to be the reason for her to lose herself so terribly again. _

_And he wants to spare Alexis any suffering on his account. She has such a bright future ahead of her… He'd hate to be a burden for her in any way._

_Martha nods in understanding before watching disappear back into his office._

_She stands up, the envelopes heavy in her hand and she walks to her room, where she places them in a drawer. Before she closes it, she looks down at the _Kate _and _Alexis _scrawled on the paper and prays that she never has to get them out of there._

_Children should never leave before their parents._

* * *

Martha stares at the paper in her hand and sighs. She's sitting on the bed, preparing herself for what she's about to do.

_She needs to do it. She's put it off long enough._

The redhead makes her way back downstairs and walks through the office to get into the master bedroom.

"There… There's something else Richard left you, dear"

* * *

**AN: I want to thank everyone who has taken the time to read and review/follow/favorite! I really appreciate it.**


	6. Always

**Always**

_"__Everything I've ever done, every choice I've ever made, every terrible and wonderful thing that's ever happened to me… It's all led me to right here, this moment with you."_

_-Rick Castle "Smells Like Teen Spirit", Castle S6._

* * *

_Martha stares at the paper in her hand and sighs. She's sitting on the bed, preparing herself for what she's about to do._

She needs to do it. She's put it off long enough.

_The redhead makes her way back downstairs and walks through the office to get into the master bedroom._

_"__There- There's something else Richard left you, dear"_

* * *

Kate tilts her head to the side and Martha hands her one of the envelopes. Her lips part as she gasps when she recognizes her name in _his_ handwriting.

"He told me to give it to you if anything ever-" Martha says quietly, seeing the tears welling in her daughter-in-law's eyes. She's unable to finish the sentence. "Well. I'll leave you to it"

Beckett nods absentmindedly as the older woman leaves the room. A hand slowly travels to her lips as she stares at the paper for a while, crying silently.

_What have you done, Castle?_

A lump forms in her throat and she struggles to keep her hands steady as she takes the leap and slowly rips the envelope open. She takes a few deep breaths before reading.

**_May 10_****_th_****_, 2014._**

She recognizes that date. It was a couple of days after they got Bracken. He wrote it after she could finally put the memory of her mother to rest. _That must why he did this…_

**_If you're reading this, it probably means that unfortunately I won't be by your side anymore. And you have no idea how sorry I am for that._**

**_I'm sure that wherever I am right now I'm kicking myself for leaving you, but there's not much I can do about that anymore, right? Unless you have a thing for zombies, in which case we might be able to work something out._**

She can't help but chuckle as she wipes the tears that are starting to make the letters blurry from her eyes with the back of her hand. _Damn Castle._

**_Alright, sorry. That wasn't funny._**

**_My point is that we've had a great run, Kate. You made me the happiest man on Earth just by letting me into your life._**

She has to stop here.

If only she hadn't been so stupid. If only she'd let him in sooner… They would've had an ever better run. Less suffering, more time.

But now she's only left with _if only_.

**_And I don't say that to make you resent yourself for taking your time. I say it because I want you to understand how grateful I am that you trusted me with your heart._**

She can't help but chuckle again. He knows- _knew _her so well.

**_Even if I was hurt then, I have come to understand that if you hadn't dealt with your issues before we got together, we might not have lasted as much as we did, and let me tell you something… I would've waited for you forever because even the thought of getting you and then losing you was far more painful than just having the hope that someday you'd let me in and we'd live happily ever after._**

**_I'm glad you took your time. _**

**_I mean, I love you so much that… I don't know. I don't even have words to describe how happy you made me._**

**_Some writer, huh?_**

**_Don't let my memory poison any pleasure or happiness in your life. Because I know you'll be happy, Kate. That's the least you deserve. But do not let these pleasures destroy and despise my memory and the memory of what we were. Keep me in secret corner of your heart and go down there when you feel lonely or sad and you'll find solace and support, always._**

**_Your heart and your soul are made for loving passionately. Don't let them die with me._**

**_It's not worth it._**

**_Be happy. Let yourself be loved. How could you not? _**

**_Your life is filled by people who love you unconditionally. There'll always be people who love you no matter what._**

**_I've got to be honest with you, The thought of you being with another man is eating at me right now, but I've got to tell you that the thought of you putting walls around yourself again is far more painful than any jealousy pang I may ever feel._**

**Perhaps the next guy will love you less than I did. Or he may be the best lover you've ever had – though I find that hard to believe. I was a catch.**

That makes her roll her eyes. But _he was_ a catch.

**_And perhaps you'll love him even more than you loved me, and that's okay. I mean, we never know, right?_**

**_My point is that please, please, do not kill your generous, amazing heart. You must never close yourself to love ever again. That's the only thing I ask from you._**

**_Put your whole heart in every aspect of your life. Do whatever you want to do, so that one day you can look back on your life and say like me, 'I often suffered, I made mistakes, but I have loved.' That's all anybody really needs._**

**_Don't let the darkness swallow the light in your life._**

**_Please be happy, and know that I loved you with all my heart,_**

**_Always._**

Kate stares at the paper through the tears for God knows how long, trying to get hold of the emotions that are wreaking havoc in her mind. For one, the need to hold him in her arms for one last time only grew stronger, but his words did help lessen in some way the pain that was threatening to swallow her hole.

She presses the paper to her chest and closes her eyes. She's got a long way to go, but this made it easier and harder at the same time. That man was everything to her, and even now, gone, he's able to give her comfort.

_How is she supposed to move on?_

That moment, her stomach starts turning, bringing Kate back to reality.

She breathes through the nausea and when it passes, she takes her hand to her stomach.

_That's why she has to move on. For this life they created._

* * *

The next day Kate's lucky enough for her doctor to have an opening, so she gets there at 3 pm sharp. Only the thought of sitting at the waiting room looking at couples gaze lovingly into each other's eyes while she was there alone was enough to make a lump for in her throat.

Still, she has to wait a few minutes. She shifts uncomfortably in her seat the Zen-looking waiting room, but there's nothing Zen about the brunette. She's playing with her hands and her feet are tapping annoyingly on the floor. _And the worst part is that she's got no one to lean on._

She decided to keep this for herself for a while longer, her mind inevitably going to worse-case-scenarios. Besides, the only person she really needs by her side won't be there ever again.

"Kate Beckett-Castle?" a young blond-haired guy –who Kate recognizes as Dell, her doctor's nurse– calls her with a smile. He's coming out from one of the exam rooms.

She would usually sing her name as 'Kate Beckett', but giving her actual new name now makes her feel a little better, like she's honoring his legacy. Like some part of him will always be there. Because it _will_ always be there.

"Morning, Dell"

"Good morning, Kate" he grins brightly when she gets up to reach him, but he becomes concerned when she gives him a sad half-smile.

Without another word, he turns motioning for her to follow him into an exam room.

He asks some questions and does quick work of taking some blood and some measurements, and Kate's grateful for his silence.

"Um," he starts unsure once he's done. "Dr. Montgomery will come in and get you in a bit. In the meantime, can you change into this, please?" He hands her a folded paper gown.

She nods and he leaves with the now-filled chart without further ado.

She sighs and runs a hand over her face as soon as he disappears behind the door, this whole situation still unreal. She always thought that whenever she did this, she's had someone to share it all with.

Not _someone_. _Castle._

As soon as she's changed into the unflattering and uncomfortable gown, a couple of soft knocks bring her back to reality, before the redhead doctor enters, sympathy etched on her face.

_She knows._

"Hello, Kate"

"Hey" she answers simply.

"How are you holding up?" Addison Montgomery, Kate's long-time doctor steps into the room.

"Okay"

Montgomery nods and walks over to the sink, where she scrubs her hands thoroughly. "How has pregnancy been treating you?"

"Hasn't been fun"

"Hmm" the doctor smiles understandingly. "That's completely normal" she says as she puts some rubber gloves on. "Can you lie down for me, please?"

Kate takes a deep, shaky breath before obliging.

"Nervous?"

"Yeah"

Addison nods slowly, examining her patient's abdomen. "Have the symptoms been bad?"

"The sickness is worse when I get up –been throwing up every morning for about a week. And the rest of the day it's not that bad. A couple of dizziness spells here and there too"

"Hmm. It usually gets better after the first trimester or so. Have you been eating well?"

"If I feel like I can keep it down, I'll eat it"

"Good. Well," she sits on the tool again, motioning for Kate to sit up again. "According to the tests they did at the hospital and what you told Dell, I'd put you at about 9 weeks, but I'll confirm that with the new tests and the ultrasound" she says before rolling a big machine with a monitor closer to the bed.

Kate nods slowly. _This is it. This is the moment of truth._

Noticing her patient's uncertainty, Montgomery faces her, looking into her eyes.

Beckett's first instinct is to look away, but instead she faces her doctor head on. _This is no time for fragility. It's not only about her anymore_.

"Ready?"

Kate nods. She may be determined, but she doesn't trust herself to speak right now.

"Okay" Addison says softly.

In all her years as a doctor she's dealt with every reaction to pregnancy news there could possibly be, and Kate's no exception, but in this case there's an underlying pain that just breaks her heart.

She's never seen her so... Frail. Actually, that would've been the last word she would've used to describe her patient. But after reading the news of her husband's death a few days ago... She completely understands why she's not beaming with excitement.

It's a shame really. She saw Kate only about once a year, but she really noticed the difference Richard Castle made in her life, even before they got together. She should be happy about her pregnancy. Instead she's mourning the death of her husband at the same time that she should be living the greatest joy in her life.

_Talk about bad timing._

Soon, the doctor's looking at the screen and a fast whooshing sound is filling the room.

Kate's jaw drops and a smile creeps onto her face, suddenly being hit with an immense wave of happiness. "I- Is that..."

"Your baby's heartbeat" Montgomery smiles softly. "Strong and healthy"

Beside happiness, other, less pleasant thoughts flood her mind.

_Castle's supposed to be crying by her side. He's the one who's supposed to buy more books than they could ever read and tell her every single detail about what's going on with their baby. He's supposed to hold her hand and tell her everything's going to be alright._

_He's supposed to be there_'

Addison watches as the dam breaks and the tears of joy give way to heartbreak. She finishes the exam and takes her gloves off, leaving the grainy picture on the screen.

"I'm so sorry, Kate"

Her doctor's voice brings her back to reality. She takes a couple of deep breaths, trying to regain her composure. She needs to focus on the positive. She's fine, her baby's fine... _That's what she needs to focus on._

When she sees her patient calm down, she feels more at ease leaving her alone. "Do you want me to give you a few minutes?" Kate nods, so Addison gives her a small smile before leaving.

Beckett draws in a breath before facing the screen for first time.

A wave of massive feelings hits her once again as soon as her eyes land on the picture, making everything even more real. The sound of the heartbeat got to her, but the picture... _That's their baby right there. She's responsible for another human being. A human being she's already willing to give up everything for._

One of her hands travels to her stomach and her eyes remain glued to the screen feeling the need to make a promise to this person she hasn't even met yet, but whom she already loves so much...

She has to be alright. If not for her own sake, then for her baby's.

"I promise... I promise to be alright. For both of us. _Always_" she whispers. She can't lose sight of all the blessings in her life. _She can't let the darkness swallow the light._

And that's when another feeling hits her: _Fear._

How is she supposed to be someone's mother? _She cannot screw this up. She can't._

But she's going to do it. She'll do anything for their baby,

_Always._

* * *

**AN: Thanks for all the favorites/follows/reviews! I really appreciate each and every one of them!**


	7. Dance With My Father

**Dance With My Father**

_If I could steal one final glance, one final step, one final dance with him_

_I'd play a song that would never, ever end_

_'Cause I'd love, love, love_

_To dance with my father again_

_Sometimes I'd listen outside her door_

_And I'd hear how my mother cried for him_

_I pray for her even more than me_

_I know I'm praying for much too much_

_But could you send back the only man she loved_

_I know you don't do it usually_

_But dear Lord she's dying_

_To dance with my father again._

_-Céline Dion "Dance With My Father"_

* * *

Martha sighs softly as she leaves Kate's room and makes her way to her granddaughter's. She really hopes that these letters will help ease their pain.

Alexis hears two soft knocks on her door and, thinking it might be Kate, she decides to ignore them. Though really she doesn't understand what she'd be doing there, especially after the way she's been treating the woman.

The redhead is lying in a ball under her comforter images of _him_ circling her mind. She's remembering her father, whom she'll never see again. That thought alone is enough to make her body shake with sobs and make the knot in her stomach tighten.

The emotions that are flooding her brain at the moment are incredibly contradictory. Besides of the fact that she's painfully sad, she's also extremely pissed.

She's angry at Beckett, at the cabbie, at the drunk driver… _She's even angry at her father, _even if she doesn't want to be. _Why did he go?_

She's just furious at the universe for pulling this crap on her. _On them._

Despite all that hatred, her heart also wants for her to drag herself out of bed and into the arms of the people who love her to live through this _together._

In the battle between her mind and her heart, her mind was winning. That is until the meeting with the lawyer. Not that she was paying much attention to it all, but it made her remember what her father's life was all about.

He was always sure that everyone around him was happy, he would go to any lengths necessary to keep the people he cared for safe and he was always able to find the light in this dark and twisted world.

_What would it mean for her father's memory for Alexis to hold a grudge against the woman who made him so happy and who also seems to care about her?_

Something else that's not helping her emotions is what happened to Beckett earlier. She's always been the strongest in every situation, keeping everybody together, and seeing her so frail for the first time since she's met her… It freaks the hell out of Alexis.

_If someone like Kate can't keep it together…_

Before her mind can do any more wandering, though, she hears her grandmother's voice from the other side of the door.

"Alexis, dear. Can I come in?"

"Sure" she answers, sitting up. She wipes her tear streaked face with the back of her hand fore she meets Martha's permanently anguished look.

When the older woman enters the room holding a small envelope in her hand, curiosity covers Alexis' features.

"Alexis…" she starts, sitting on the edge of the bed. "I have something for you from… From your father" she hands her letter, and the girl slowly extends her arm to grab the paper, which seems to weigh a couple pounds too many for its size.

Alexis stares at it for a while, not noticing Martha's silent departure. She slowly lifts the letter, holding it close against her chest, and closes her eyes, imagining her dad's strong frame protectively wrapped around her. _God, how she misses her father._

She then proceeds to rip the envelope open and its contents are finally revealed to her: Two pieces of paper folded in half.

When she takes the first one her father's handwriting stares back at her unreadable. She runs the back of her hand over her eyes to wipe the tears and the scribbles turn into words.

**_May 14th, 2014_**

**_Hello, Alexis._**

**_I'm so very sorry that I left. Believe me, it was not my idea to do this to any of you._**

**_I should be there right now, telling you all this, but for some reason I'm not. And that's okay._**

**_Don't let my absence haunt you. I'm not asking you to forget me, but live despite of the fact that I'm not there anymore. Keep living. You have an amazing future before you. Don't forget that. Be amazing._**

**_Remember, even though I'm not there with you... Everything's going to be alright. I won't let the monsters get under your bed. I promise._**

A warm feeling envelopes her gut at the memories of her father making sure she was safe from the monsters after she had nightmares. She always thought he was so brave for doing that for her. She still does, actually. Her father was brave in every aspect of his life.

He raised her practically alone and whenever his family was involved, he was ready to give his life to protect them.

**_And you can be sure that whenever you meet a new boy I'll cringe from wherever the hell –or heaven (you never know, right?)– I am. But nonetheless, let yourself be happy. I'll always be watching over you. But don't worry, I'll close my eyes when I have to._**

**_Besides, if any mischievous boy comes around, I'm sure Beckett will be able keep him away with her gun._**

She can't help chuckling through the tears. Her dad always found a way to make her smile even in the darkest of times.

**_There are so many things I want to tell you. So many things I've yet to see you go through... But I hope that in my time with you, you understood how much I loved you._**

**_I know you like to be in control of every single detail of your life, but remember that it's okay to be surprised. I know that because you always surprised me, pumpkin._**

**_You always considered yourself the adult in the family._**

_For good reason, _she thinks to herself with a sad smile.

**_For very good reason. And I know my death is eating at you right now and you're probably thinking "what if I'd done this" or "what if I hadn't done that" and that's understandable. But part of being an adult is realizing that you can't always protect the people you love. So nothing of this is your fault. Or anyone's fault._**

_Being an adult sucks, _she can't help but thinking.

**_Don't grow up too much. And whenever adulthood's giving you trouble, you can always break out the laser tag._**

Again, memories of those times with her dad flood her mind. He really was the best father she could've ever wished for.

**_You'll always be my little girl. The number one on my list._**

**_Hopefully you'll have plenty of inappropriate stories you can't tell your children. But not too many. Anyway, I'm not the one to talk. Whatever you and your friends do, believe me, I've done worse. Thankfully, you're nothing like me._**

_Nothing like him? _She's spent her entire life trying to live up to what he was. Childishness aside –which was far from a defect most of the time– he was the most caring, brave, smart, amazing person she's ever met. Her father's her greatest hero, and if she can ever be a tiny bit of the extraordinary person he was, she'll consider herself lucky.

**_And never forget that even when you're going through hell you must always believe in heaven, otherwise it'll swallow you whole._**

**_Even if I'm gone, never lose sight of what's still in front of you, of all you have to look forward to in your future. Enjoy every minute of it and just... Love. That's the only advice I can give you. Love and let yourself be loved._**

**_Just because I'm leaving and that hurts, there're people who'll be there for you no matter what. I'll always be there for you, and I'm sure that our family will never let you down. _**

**_My life... I lived it to the fullest and I couldn't be prouder of what I did, especially you. I know I wasn't always the best example or the best father, but you still managed to turn out fine somehow. You were the light of my life. My reason for living._**

**_My only regret is that I'm not there for you anymore, but we both know that I didn't have much choice in the matter. Live like I did. Without regret. Do what you want to do and be happy, because that's all that matters in the end._**

**_Just remember that I loved you with all my heart,_**

**_Always._**

She reads the letter twice. Taking in every single word and finding solace in them.

_She'll make sure to keep her father's clear voice in her heart. Always._

She slips more comfortably into the covers and with the letter pressed to her chest, she slowly drifts into sleep.

* * *

_Alexis finds herself in the middle of a big, bright ballroom. It looks like a room straight out of a princess movie. The ceiling's high and from it hangs an enormous turn-of-the-century teardrop chandelier._

_It's a breathtaking awe-inspiring sight that has the redhead turning around trying to admire every single detail of the room. That's when she looks down and realizes she's wearing a beautiful light-blue gown coming in at her waist with a silvery floral belt-like pattern flowing outward in soft waves down to the floor._

_She lifts her hands –in which she's wearing long satin white gloves– to touch her hair. It's up in a wavy bun at the back embellished by a small slick sparkling tiara._

_Not only does the place look like it's like something out of a fairytale, but she does too._

_Suddenly, Alexis finds herself no longer alone. Out of the blue, her father appears in front of her and somehow, everything turns more magical._

_He looks like the handsome Prince Charming that's coming to save the princess. He's wearing a dark blue military style jacket with golden epaulettes and a couple of fancy medals attached to it. He too is wearing gloves and looking extremely handsome with his hair combed perfectly._

_She's unable to move from her place, not quite grasping the situation. Her senses feel sharper somehow, and every single detail is memorized by her brain. _

_He walks towards her, a soft, unburdened smile on his lips. When he reaches her, all she can do is gaze into his comforting eyes as he takes her hand into his. His other hand finds its way to her waist and slowly pulls her close, before beautiful, slow classical music fills the room and they start twirling around the ballroom._

_As he gently leads her across the dance floor, her eyes are glued to his and somehow she finds what she's been so desperately seeking since his departure… Somehow she feels like she can finally let herself get some closure._

_His presence is enough to remind her… That she must move forward. That she'll be okay even if she misses him some times. That she'll never let his memory go._

_She lets him guide her body through the music until she's suddenly startled when he stops._

_"I miss you, dad" she says in a small voice, wrapping her arms as tightly around his frame as she can. Like if the sheer strength of her embrace was enough to bring him back._

_"I know pumpkin" he takes her by the shoulders and makes her breakaway from him so that she can look into his eyes. "But you need to let go of me and embrace the people who can still be with you" he says calmly._

_"But I don't want to" she says in a way she hasn't spoken since she was seven years old. Her gaze drops and he takes her chin, making her look back at him._

_"Promise me you'll try to be okay with all of this"_

_She doesn't want to promise him that, partly because she's not sure she'll be able to honor her word. But seeing him there… She doesn't want to let him down. "I promise" she finally says softly._

_A huge smile lights his features before everything melts into blurry multicolored blobs and turns black._

* * *

Alexis finds herself in her room enveloped by darkness. But her heart feels lighter somehow, and the bright, unburdened smile of her father is etched in her memory.

The next morning, after the first decent night of sleep she's had since her Castle's death, Alexis goes downstairs to the kitchen. She finds Martha sitting at the counter, reading the paper and sipping a cup of coffee.

The older woman lifts her gaze and a smile tugs on her lips when she sees her granddaughter's less troubled complexion. She seems lighter somehow… And Martha's glad.

"Good morning, dear"

"Morning, Gram" Alexis sees, her gaze sweeping the room. "Where's Kate?"

"I don't know" Martha shrugs offhandedly. "She's probably still in her room"

Alexis' frown deepens. Beckett's rarely one to get up past sunrise. Though it _has _been an awful week…

Right then, Kate emerges from the office dragging her feet. She looks terrible… And she feels worse.

"Are you alright?" Alexis asks as soon as she sees her pale face.

"Yeah" Kate gives her a small smile, trying to downplay how awful she feels. She quickly breezes in front of Martha, avoiding her gaze and goes straight for the fridge to get a water bottle to was the bitter taste from her mouth.

Concern covers the redhead's features when she sees her daughter in law's complexion. "Want some coffee, Katherine?" she watches her closely, alarm bells going off in her head.

"Uh, no thanks" Kate keeps her back to Martha and winces to herself. She recognizes that tone. _She knows._

Martha nods slowly and narrows her eyes at the brunette. Something's going on. She's never seen Beckett refuse coffee, and now that she thinks of it, she hasn't seen her with a cup of Joe in a while… _Oh God. Is she…?_

Her eyes widen in realization and a ton of conflicting emotions hit her all at once. Her heart beams with joy at the thought of having a grandchild, but the circumstances make a knot form in her stomach.

But if Kate hasn't said anything there must be a reason, so before her emotions go anywhere else with the possibility, she'll wait for the actual news.

Alexis watches the exchange confused. There's something going on, but she can't quite figure out what.

The rest of the morning goes by quietly, with plenty of secret looks between the women.

Alexis spends the whole time trying to get the courage to talk to Kate, but she just can't get the guts to do it.

After lunch, a plan starts forming in her head, but before she can carry it out, Kate is out the door saying she'll be back in a couple of hours.

* * *

When Beckett's back at the apartment, Alexis looks up from the couch, where she has been sitting trying to figure out something intelligent to say to the brunette in apology, and curiosity overcomes her. Kate looks almost… glowing. A small smile plays on her lips and somehow she seems lighter and burdened all at the same time.

The older woman makes her way to her bedroom quickly, longing to glance once more at the grainy black and white picture in her bag.

Alexis puts her thoughts aside and decides to come clean once and for all. "Um… Kate?"

Beckett stops in her tracks and turns to look at the redhead. "Yeah?" she says calmly, but truth be told, she's anything but calm. Alexis is reaching out to her –or at least she hopes so– so she needs to be helpful. It hasn't been easy for the girl, and the fact that she wants to talk is a very good sign.

"Can I… Can we talk?"

"Sure" Kate nods slowly before easing onto the couch in front of Alexis.

The redhead takes a couple of deep breath, trying to put her thoughts in order and Beckett waits for her patiently.

"I- Uh… I'm sorry" Alexis begins, and the brunette can see how sorry she is by the way she's now avoiding her gaze. "For the way I treated you. I was way out of line" she finally manages to meet Kate's look.

"It's al-"

"Please, let me finish" she interrupts her quickly. Kate was about to let her off the hook for her horrible comments, and that wouldn't be fair. "The fact that my father's… gone, doesn't give me the right to be a jerk"

"Okay" Beckett leans forward in her seat. Alexis needs to get this off her chest, and she'll gladly listen.

"I- I'm sorry for saying this was your fault. It isn't. It's no one's fault" Alexis' gaze drops to the floor before looking back up. "And that makes me feel all sorts of things. Not having someone to blame makes it… Harder somehow. But it wouldn't be fair to anyone to blame them either"

Kate gives her a half smile. She knows that struggle all too well.

"I know we're all going through a hard time and that it's easy if we go through it together… If you want" she adds at the end. She wouldn't blame Kate if she didn't trust her anymore after all the crap she threw at her.

The brunette stands up and takes sits by Alexis' side. She looks at her searching her eyes for permission before taking the girl into her arms. "I wouldn't have it any other way" she says softly.

That's when Alexis loses it. Kate forgave her just like that… That's the kind of unconditional love have for each other, and knowing the older woman is there for her no matter what reminds her of her father. Soon, tears are streaming down her face and Beckett's hold is tighter against her frame.

"It's okay" she whispers calmly.

"I'm so sorry" Alexis manages to get out through the sobs.

"Shh. It's okay" Kate holds the younger woman's frame firmly. "I'm here. It's gonna be okay"

And for the first time since her father's death, Alexis is able to believe that.

_It will be okay, They'll be okay._

* * *

**AN: Back with the angst after an absolutely amazing episode of Castle. Thanks for the continued support!**


	8. Till Death Do Us Part

**AN: "Time of our Lives" was exactly the reason I didn't want to write a wedding fic. The perfect vows for the perfect couple. But now that we have them, I couldn't help myself to do this.**

**And I have to say, it's one of the most heart-wrenching things I've ever written. So here we go...**

* * *

**'Till Death Do Us Part**

_*Beckett places her mother's ring back in its rightful place*_

_"Are you sure?"_

_"Yeah. It's time… It's almost here. You ready?"_

_"I've never been more ready. How 'bout you?"_

_"I can't wait"_

_-Rick Castle and Kate Beckett "Veritas", Castle S6 extended ending._

* * *

_It's a bright, beautiful morning in New York, and even if it wasn't, it wouldn't be nearly enough to ruin the happy soon-to-be-married couple's mood._

_Today is the day. Today they finally get their happy ending._

_He was up first, butterflies flying in his stomach, his excitement level through the roof. But when he looks at Kate's peaceful sunbathed features by his side, all his anxiousness drifts away. Doing this just feels right. He needs to spend the rest of his life waking up to this beautiful sight._

_Suddenly, her eyes flutter open, and her breathtaking green eyes stare back at her husband's deep blue ones. A soft smile lights her features before she lazily stretches her arms over her head. _

_"Hey, handsome," she says, her voice adorably hoarse with sleep._

_"Hey, beautiful," he smiles. "Ready to get married?"_

_She gives him that stunning smile that takes his breath away. "I've never been more ready for anything in my entire life."_

_"Everything's going to be perfect," he says, his eyes bright. "You'll walk down that aisle looking ravishing, and we'll get married, and we'll live happily ever after."_

_"You don't know that," she throws him a skeptical look. She can't help the dread that sneaks up on her in that moment. They've been through so much... _Who says it'll get better?

_"I do," he tells her certainly. "After everything we've been through it's the least we deserve. We deserve this. We deserve to be happy."_

_She throws him an uncertain look, and he needs to remedy that. She needs to believe in them. They've been through so much… But they've made it through. _They'll always make it through, together.

_"Everything's going to be perfect. I promise. We'll have each other and everything's going to be alright."_

_And right then and there, she believes him._

_He gives her the bright smile that makes her go crazy before leaning over her for a kiss._

_She won't mind waking up to that hopeful, bright smile for the rest of her life._

* * *

She doesn't want to get up. _Ever._

Today, if she gets up, she'll have to face once again that her husband is gone for good, but this time, in front of their family and friends.

Today's the funeral, and even though the sun's shinning bright outside, it'll be a while until her body's able to find warmth again.

Today's also her birthday.

_How fucked up is that?_

So she doesn't want to get up. But, to her dismay, her bladder has other ideas.

* * *

_This just feels like a dream. A blissful dream she never ever wants to wake up from._

_She's wearing her mother's dress and almost ready. Just a couple of hours before, she was whisked away by Martha, Lanie and Jenny to her apartment, while Rick, Alexis and the boys stayed back at the loft._

_The air is light with excitement and joy as the girls –who are already dressed– wait for the bride to come out of her room._

_Once Beckett is finally ready, she comes out of the room beaming, and the other women's jaws drop before they all smile._

_"Wow," Jenny says as they all stand from the couch they were sitting on._

_"You look like an angel," Lanie walks closer to Kate._

_"Really?" she drops her gaze to the floor shyly, without being able to take the smile off her face._

_"Yeah! For a second there I wanted to marry you!" Lanie reassures her as she takes her hands and chuckles._

_"Oh, just stop Lanie" Beckett says in a way that makes Martha see them just as two excited little girls. _

_Jenny joins the two women and takes a closer look at the dress. "I must say, your mother had great taste."_

_"Yes, she did," Martha agrees. "Just… Look at you," she says proudly, walking toward them. "I believe you're the most beautiful bride I've ever seen," she continues sincerely._

_"Thank you, Martha"_

_"Girls… Would you just give us a minute, please?" the redhead tells Lanie and Jenny, who are quick to do so._

_Kate and Martha remain looking at each other. Today, they'll officially become family, and they couldn't be happier about it._

* * *

After dragging her feet through the bathroom and the room, she manages to get ready.

She stands in front of her dresser, already clad in the customary black clothes and she can barely get herself to do what usually goes next in her morning routine.

Finally after sucking in a breath, she painstakingly takes her hand up to retrieve her father's watch and put it on.

_For the life that she saved._

After that, she stares at the box in which her mother's ring lays and softly runs a finger over the top.

_For the justice she brought to herself._

Then, she has to take a few deep breaths before taking the next step. She grabs the wedding band –which she hasn't been able to wear since his death– and places it around her finger.

_For the love of her life._

Finally, she takes the chain from which hangs her engagement ring and puts it around her neck, where it lies right beside her heart.

_For the life that she lost._

* * *

_"Martha…" Beckett begins. "I just wanted to thank you and Alexis for… Taking me into your family. You guys have never been anything but welcoming, and I couldn't be more grateful."_

_"And I want to thank you for making my son so very happy," she pauses before lifting the box in her hand. "I brought you something," Martha hands it to Kate. "In case you didn't have something blue."_

_Kate's eyes narrow in wonder and they widen when she sees the contents of the box. "Oh, wow," she gazes at the stunning blue earrings. "They're… Beautiful," she doesn't know what else to say._

_She walks to her room as she puts them on followed by Martha._

_"They were given to me by my mother to wear on my wedding day and by her mother before," the redhead narrates as the brunette reaches the mirror. She stands behind her as the younger woman tries them on. "Only women of substance have worn these gems. They've been waiting, Katherine. For you"_

_Beckett glances at herself in the mirror and is amazed by the beauty of the simple yet elegant earrings. She also watches Martha behind her, and is able to read between the lines. None of Rick's wives before her were considered good enough for her son. Just her._

_"I'm incredibly honored, Martha," she says, turning around. "Thank you," she wraps her arms around the other woman in a hug. _

_"Oh, darling, they're exquisite on you," _and you're the only woman who's even been enough for Richard, _she finishes to herself._

_Of course Kate misses her mother, especially today, but this… She wouldn't trade it for the world._

* * *

All the black clad family members and friends, gather around Richard Castle's casket to say the last goodbye.

They air at the cemetery is heavy with pain as they all listen to some man say something about new beginnings and shit.

Alexis and Beckett sit side by side and remain stone-faced, not ready for the display of emotions that they both know is soon to come. Martha is at the younger woman's left and has already broken out her tissues.

* * *

_A three-hundred-and-sixty degrees view of Manhattan... The stars above them and the world at their feet… That's what they wanted and that's what they got. Actually, they got that and much more. Today, they're tying the knot the same place where they first met no less than six and a half years ago. Well, where they officially met._

_3 dozen chairs sit in neat rows at both sides of the aisle. All the decorations and details are in white, and they look beautiful in the glow of the afternoon._

_The altar consists of an arch simply draped in white and covered with a few flowers._

_It all looks simple and pristine, but at the same time elaborate and romantic. The whole place just screams 'Caskett'._

_Right before the ceremony begins, the guests anxiously wait for the bride come down the aisle to finally consummate 6 years of sexual tension and 'will-they-won't-they' that were oh-so-very-not-subtle and they all witnessed carefully and painstakingly._

_Castle stands proudly at the altar flanked by his best "man", Alexis, and the solemn-looking officiant. The novelist's so excited he's sure his grin will split his face in two. His eyes travels around the crowd they assembled after finally being able to cut down the guest list._

_On his side, notably sit the people from the precinct and his mother, who all look as excited as he feels. On Beckett's side are some of her closest family members._

_Soon, two of Kate's nieces –daughters of one of her cousins– walk down the aisle wearing cute white dresses dropping white petals, followed by Lanie, announcing the impending arrival of the bride. As they make their way to the altar, the wind starts picking up._

_When the kids sit down and the bridesmaid takes her place at the altar, Castle stands a little straighter and the guests rise to their feet. _

_They wait for a few seconds until finally the novelist's beautiful bride appears at the end of the aisle. She's wearing the simple, yet stunning dress Johanna wore for her own wedding and is holding her father's arm proudly._

_As soon as Kate catches Castle's eye, the world stops, even the wind stills. He feels like his heart will beat itself out of his chest. She's so beautiful, so breathtaking and amazing… _And she's his.

_He'll make sure to do his best to live up to this woman until the day he dies._

* * *

"Words…" Kate begins unsteadily. She's standing in front of black-clad friends and family members at whom she's looking at through her dark sunglasses, trying to conceal the pain that still manages to make its way to her voice.

"Words were his thing, but I thought I wouldn't be honoring him if I didn't stand here today before you to in some way try to convey all the happiness he brought to all of our lives," she continues through the first paragraph, barely managing to keep her voice steady.

Then, she looks up and that tragic day comes rushing back to her brain, the images as clear as if she were living it right now. The searing pain that ripped through her body is back with full force, making it difficult for her to breathe. She has to grip the podium to stay upright.

_Get it together, Kate. _You're safe.

_No you're not. _

She's back to that day in a flash, only this time's worse. This time Castle's strong arms are not there to try to save her.

Suddenly, Kate feels her father's strong embrace is holding her up.

* * *

_The first thing Beckett does when she makes it to the venue is look for her father. She finds him in the area where they'll have the reception._

_"Hey, dad," she says quietly when she walks in._

_Jim turns around and remains perplexed for a second when he sees his daughter in Johanna's dress looking absolutely breathtaking. He slowly makes her way toward her and he feels how his heart swells with pride at the same nostalgia takes hold of him._

She looks just like her mother.

_The tears start welling in his eyes and he takes his daughter into a strong embrace. "Oh, Katie. You look so beautiful."_

_"Thank you, dad," she says her arms wrapped firmly around him and she doesn't even try to stop the tears from falling._

_"Your mother would be so proud," he says quietly._

_All she can do is hug him as the tears flow freely down her face. "I miss her so much."_

_"I know, dear. I know," he rubs soothing circles on his daughter's back. "I miss her too."_

_They remain like that for a while, until they've both stopped crying. _

They both needed this moment to remember her. Now they can go back to being excited.

_Now, with a smile back on her face, she breaks apart and looks at her father with hopeful, happy eyes that remind him of when she opened her Christmas presents when she was little. "I'm getting married."_

_"You are," he chuckles and nods with a smile. "And I couldn't be prouder," he finishes with all the sincerity in his heart, earning another, quicker hug from his daughter._

_Soon, it's time for Jim to give his daughter off to another man. And he's glad that man is Castle._

_He's seen how happy he makes her. He wants her to be happy like that for the rest of her life. It's the least she deserves._

_Her father gently guides her to the far end of the aisle. When she gets there, she takes a moment to look at everybody in the crowd, until her eyes lay on her husband. As soon as their eyes lock on each other's, they feel like they're the only people left in the world. It even feels like the wind suddenly stopped blowing for them._

They're just that perfect together.

_Her heart starts beating like crazy as she goes down the aisle, and Jim's hold becomes stronger, reassuring her._

_When Jim leaves Kate at the altar and goes back to his place, before she goes to her soon-to-be-husband she looks back and her gaze stays on the empty chair at her father's right. _If only her mother could be there…

_Castle reaches her and bows her head at Jim, acknowledging Johanna's place. He grabs Kate's shoulders, telling her he's there, but also to take the time she needs._

_A soft smile lights her features feeling Castle's hands on her shoulders. She takes a fraction of a second to turn and meet Rick's eyes, showing her how grateful she is for… Everything. Her mother will always be there with her. It's time to move forward and take the next step. _She deserves to be happy.

_Their eyes remain locked on each other for another moment before she motions for him to lower his head closer to her so that she can whisper in his ear, "We getting married, or what?"_

_He smiles and takes her hand, bringing her to the altar._

* * *

"Are you okay?" he whispers over her shoulder. "You don't have to-"

"I do," she cuts him off after taking a few deep breaths. "I do have to do this," she adds with new found strength.

He keeps her in his arms for a few more seconds, as if holding her like that could shield her from all the pain in the world. If only he could take her place he would do it in a heartbeat. _If only…_

"Alright," Jim finally nods, and after seeing she seems better, he places a light kiss on her forehead before returning to his seat.

"Richard Edgar Alexander Rodgers Castle _was _the man of my life" she stops to try to swallow the lump that's starting to form in her throat. "He barged into my life against my will and saved me from myself. I was drowning and he saved me. He showed me how great life can be. He was a child at heart, but he was also the sanest of us all.

"He made my life magical again, and even if his death is hurting me to no end right now, I'll never let it bring me down. He- _We _worked too hard for me to let myself die with him. I will not let everything he worked for and everything he taught me, die with him. That just wouldn't be fair.

"The moment that I met him, my life became extraordinary. He taught me to be my best self, to look forward to tomorrow's adventures. And when I was vulnerable, he was strong."

* * *

_She looks deep into his eyes, so that he can see that she'll carry her promise with all her heart. And that she means every single word. "I love you, Richard Castle. And I want to live my life in the warmth of your smile and the strength of your embrace. I promise you I will love you. I will be your friend and your partner in crime, and in life, always."_

_At this very moment, they're the only people in the world. Against the romantic orange and pink sunset backdrop of New York, they assure each other that the last 6 years have been the best of their lives, but they promise that the best is yet to come._

_He smiles to her, and places the wedding band on her finger. "The moment we met my life became extraordinary. You taught me more about myself than I knew there was to learn. You are the joy in my heart. You are the last person I want to see at night when I close my eyes."_

_Castle also reaches into her eyes, making sure she knows he'll do everything in his power to keep her safe and happy for the rest of his life._

_"I love you, Katherine Beckett. And the mystery of you is the one I want to spend my life exploring. I promise to love you, to be your friend, and your partner in crime, and in life… 'Till death do us part, and for the time of our lives."_

* * *

"And he'll stay with me," one of her hands goes up to touch the ring on her necklace, and the other one, behind the podium discretely travels to her stomach, where it rests for a few seconds. "Always."

By the time she finishes, there are a lot more people crying and Kate is absolutely exhausted.

But this helped, somehow. As if putting it all into words in a way unburdened her. _And maybe he heard her._ That's enough to hold her together for now.

Right when she's going back to her place, Beckett notices a white-haired man in a green jumpsuit wearing dark sunglasses and a hat way behind the gathering. He's several feet away from them but close enough for her to able to guess who that is.

She stares at him closely and he lowers his sunglasses, confirming her suspicions. Their eyes stay locked for a while before he puts his shades back on and signals for her to go meet him near a great tree closer to the entrance.

Kate thinks about following him for a second before deciding against it. She'll find him later, once the service is over.

* * *

_After saying "I do", the party moves downstairs, where the reception venue is already set up and ready for the celebration._

_The floor-to-ceiling windows make for a breathtaking view of Manhattan below them, and the elegant and simple decorations across the room, on the tables and at the dance floor make the ambience a little more magical than it already is._

_After eating, and once the newlyweds have had their first dance to Andrew Belle's "In My Veins", Castle and Beckett get some time to go to their friends._

_As soon as they reach the table where Alexis, Lanie, Martha, Esposito and Ryan are, they're congratulated and hugged by all of them, not for the first time. Once they're done, and before Kate and Rick can sit down, the boys walk over to them._

_"Bro, can we have a second with your wife?" Espo asks Castle, making Beckett roll her eyes._

_He looks at her and as soon as he does that, Ryan makes a whipping sound._

_The boys burst out laughing and the novelist narrows his eyes at them. Beckett shoots them a disapproving look, but she can't help smirking._

_"You haven't been married for two hours and we can already see who wears the pants in the relationship," Espo snickers._

_"Yeah, well, when she also happens to be the one who wears the gun…" Castle plays along._

_"Shut up, boys," Beckett rolls her eyes, joining them._

_"Don't worry, we'll bring her back," Ryan reassures him with a smile before they walk away._

_"What's up?" she asks them._

_"You got hitched!" Ryan announces proudly._

_"I did," she nods, everything still feeling a little surreal._

_"You have no idea how happy we are for you," Esposito says, almost solemnly._

_"Especially since it took you both so long," Kevin adds with a shrug, making Beckett shake her head._

_"Yeah. The only thing more annoying than putting up with you two making love eyeballs at each other every other minute," Javi starts pointedly, making her purse her lips. "Was watching you deny your feelings for each other," he finishes more softly._

_"We're glad you finally found what you deserve," Ryan nods._

_"Oh, thank you, guys," Kate grins hugging them both. She's so grateful for her family. Her _whole _family. If it weren't for them, she's not sure she'd be here today._

_"Now, if he ever gives you trouble…" Espo says, in a big brotherly manner._

_"Don't worry, boys. I'm pretty sure I can take care of myself."_

* * *

Once it's over, a few people approach Kate, Martha and Alexis to offer their condolences, but they only thing they want to do is go home and live through their own hell alone.

But they still say _thank you_ and _I appreciate it_ because that's the right thing to do, even if this whole thing shouldn't be happening in the first place. But they hide that pain behind dark sunglasses, only letting the world see that they're hanging in there. That alone should be enough.

Martha and Alexis leave to talk to some people, and Kate is left behind with Lanie, Ryan and Esposito.

At some point, Javier breaks the heavy silence.

"What can we do for you?" he says quietly, putting a hand on her shoulder. He's standing behind the chair she's sitting on, and Lanie and Ryan sit at her sides.

"Bring my husband back," she says, her voice unwavering, but her gaze on the floor. By now, she's completely drained. _She just wants to go home._

All of their hearts break in that instant.

"If it were in our power you know we would," Kevin says.

After a long silence, she speaks, this time unsteadily. "Tell me it's gonna be alright."

"Kate…" Lanie sighs. They can't tell her that. Not when they're not sure it will.

"Just- Just tell me," she pleads quietly, finally looking at Lanie. "Please?"

Lanie can't see her friend's eyes, but she can't possibly say no. Not with her like that. "Everything's gonna be alright."

And the three of them will make sure to at least try to make it better.

* * *

Soon, everyone else has reached the group, and Kate remembers she still has something to do today. "Would… Would you wait for me for a second?" she tells Martha, Alexis, her father, the boys and Lanie. "I need a walk"

They all nod silently before continuing their conversation.

She casually starts walking toward the tree. She scans the area and is unable to find the man in the green jumpsuit. _Too late._

She still makes it to the tree and rests against it before sighing. She takes her sunglasses off and covers her hands with her face, everything she's kept inside the whole day threatening to spill through her eyes.

But before the waterworks can start, a strong embrace is taking hold of her frame.

She's hardly surprised when she sees Castle's father pressed against her tenderly.

"I'm sorry. I came as soon as I heard," he breaks apart, giving his daughter in law a pained look.

"I'm sorry too," she says to the ground. After all, he was his son. He lost someone too.

"How are you holding up?"

"As well as can be expected, I guess," she sighs.

"And… Martha and Alexis?"

"We're all hanging in there. Trying not to let go… We all miss him terribly," she finally looks up at him and his heart breaks at the sight of the pain in her red-rimmed eyes.

He nods slowly. "Well, if there's anything I can do…"

"Thanks," she half-smiles, though they both know it's an empty promise. She has no way to reach him and he's a busy man. Besides, staying there for too long would probably be deadly.

"Do you really believe it was an accident?" he turns serious. If there's even a small possibility that someone did this to his son…

"Yes," she nods convinced. She believes in her people. But that won't stop her from digging up the file and learning it by heart when she's back to work.

He nods. He trusts her. She wouldn't let the son of a bitch that did this get away if there was someone to blame.

"Well…" he says after a few seconds, still unsure if he should be bringing this up. "I know it's not the best timing, but… Congratulations," he flashes a sincere smile, which leaves her stunned for a second. He takes that as his cue to leave and walks away from her.

Beckett lowers her gaze for a second and when she looks back up, he's disappeared into thin air, just like she expected him to. She's also not really surprised that he knew about the pregnancy…

She should probably expect her father in law to pop up in her life every once in a while now.

Kate remains leaning against the tree for a few more seconds before she pulls herself up to go back to her family.

* * *

_In a fit of giggles and wearing enormous smiles, the newly-weds make it to the door of their honeymoon suite at one of New York's most luxurious hotels to spend the night before embarking on a three-week island getaway. _

_They stand looking at each other for a second, both threatening to burst with happiness at any second._

_Deep within their eyes, beyond the euphoria, there's a deep seeded passion and unwavering, unconditional love. They also can't wait to rip each other's clothes off for the first time as a married couple._

_"We're married, Mrs. Castle" God, he loves the sound of that!_

_"We sure are, Mr. Beckett" she raises an eyebrow, shooting him a playful look._

_He acts confused for a second before scooping her up bridal style._

_He catches her by surprise and she squeals before bursting into another fit of giggles. He gives her a second to settle into his embrace before carrying her across the threshold._

* * *

Laying alone that night in the darkness of her room, she's glad this day's finally over. But her mind's also somewhere else.

Her heart speeds up and her body ignites with the memories of that night. It was most certainly not the first time they'd been together, but it was their first as a married couple. _And what a night it was. _

But her heart also longs for those strong arms that held her all night long, and for the sweet words they whispered to each other… Which ended being nothing more than empty promises.

_Always. 'Till death do us part, and for the time of our lives. _His words ring in her brain.

And when death does do them part… _What's supposed to go next?_


End file.
